Monday, September 20, 2010

Sex Begins in the Kitchen

A friend reminded me about this book today.  I met the author Dr. Kevin Leman years ago at a Christian Bookseller's Convention in Anaheim, California.  I am sure I have an autographed copy of the book somewhere if it survived the storm.  Here are some excerpts from the book .....

That is what Dr. Kevin Leman, nationally known speaker and author, contends. “Men and women are so different when it comes to sex and intimacy,” said Leman.  “You have probably heard the saying that when it comes to sex men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots, which is why I say sex begins in the kitchen. Men can be aroused in just seconds while women take a lot longer to warm up. I think one of the biggest dangers in marriage relationships is that both partners think they have each other figured out. Women tend to believe that all a man thinks about is sex and men mistakenly believe that women aren’t interested. In reality, both are clueless about their partner’s needs especially when it comes to sex and intimacy.”

 “When was the last time you wrote your wife a love note and put it in her purse or put a piece of lingerie in your husband’s briefcase to be found at some point during the day?” asks Leman. One of the key elements to having a fulfilling, and lasting marriage is keeping intimacy alive, he says. This happens by being intentional and creative in the way we love each other.

Leman says there are three basic needs married men and women have. When those needs are fulfilled it takes a healthy marriage relationship to a deeper level of intimacy and satisfaction and increases the potential for the marriage to stay together.

Men need to experience sexual fulfillment – not just sex, but to feel respected and needed. Women need affection – to be cuddled, talked to, and romanced. Women also need honesty and openness and to know that their spouse is committed to the family.

So how do couples meet each other’s needs? The first step is to appreciate the differences in each other instead of complaining about them, says Leman. These differences can be the very thing that compels us to experience something new and brings a healthy balance to the relationship. Leman also suggests learning your spouse’s love language. Many of us tend to give to our spouse what would fill our own love tank versus what would fill their love tank. If you don’t know what your partner’s love language is, Leman suggests thinking about what your husband or wife complains about. Often they are tipping their hand about their love language.

Here are some tips for keeping love alive in healthy relationships:

• Surprise your spouse with a night away from home – it doesn’t have to be expensive, just romantic.

• If your nature is not to be assertive sexually, do something different.

• Remember, there are not many men who don’t like the idea of their wife pursuing them.

• Leave a message for your spouse on the bathroom mirror that will give them something to look forward to.

Couples who have been married more than 30 years share that the way they have kept intimacy alive is by creating opportunities for romance and making love – from candlelight picnics, star gazing on the deck and strolling through the Bluff View Sculpture Garden in the spring rain to a bona fide magic moment where you exclude the world and it is just the two of you enjoying each other.

You can’t have sex and expect the intimacy to be there if you haven’t taken the time to develop a strong bond between you and your spouse.

“If you want to beat the average, you better make sure you have a real love affair with your spouse because if you don’t someone else will,” said Leman. “The stakes are high, but the odds are in your favor if you commit to intimately loving your spouse."

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